So my wife (Kelty) bought a 6 foot long extension cord a couple of days ago. It looks plain enough. But the label on this thing is hilarious. I can’t believe someone actually wrote this with the intent to educate another human being:

DANGER! ELECTRICAL CORDS CAN BE HAZARDOUS. Misuse Can Result in FIRE or DEATH by ELECTRICAL SHOCK. Please Read BOTH SIDES Carefully and Follow All Directions.

• A Cord Not Marked For Outdoor Use Is To Be Used Indoors Only
• Inspect Thoroughly Before Each Use
• Make Sure Appliance is OFF Before Connecting Cord to Outlet
• Do Not Use Excessive Force to Make Connections
• Do Not Remove, Bend or Modify Any Metal Prongs or Pins of Cord
  
• Keep Away From Water
• DO NOT USE WHEN WET
• FULLY INSERT Plug Into Outlet
  
• Do Not Drive, Drag or Place Objects Over Cord
• Do Not Walk on Cord
• AFTER USE, GRASP PLUG to Remove From Outlet
  
• Always Unplug When Not in Use
• Warning: This product contains chemicals, including lead, known to the State of California to cause cancer, and birth defects or other reproductive harm.
• Wash hands after handling.
• DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG.

And that’s not even all of them.

But putting the long-windedness of this thing aside, the initial warning seems fair enough: electricity can be dangerous. Sure, that’s fine. I’ll be careful.

Of course, most people at this point are thinking, “Well, I don’t think I need to follow the rest of the directions for this so…” and then you can just hear the writer hoping that their uneducated audience will realize, “Oh, wait! The directions say to follow the directions. It’s a good thing I read the first sentence.”

So, being one of the ‘uneducated end-users’, I learn next that if it’s not for outdoor use, then it should only be used indoors. Brilliant.

I love the next one: Inspect Thoroughly Before Each Use. Who actually inspects an extension cord thoroughly before each use? Sure, if I ran it over with a lawnmower I’d probably check to make sure it’s still usable. But do I really need to check it thoroughly before each use?

And we’re supposed to unplug it after each use?? An extension cord exists to make my life easier, doesn’t it?

So, after I’ve read these instructions, thoroughly inspected it, grasped the plug carefully, assured myself that there is no water nearby, considered soberly whether or not I am indoors, checked the appliance for wattage equal to or less than the cord’s capacity, turned the appliance in to the OFF position, gently yet fully inserted the plug in to the outlet, and after I’ve wisely protected myself with a chemical suit against the imminent threat of cancer due to lead poisoning, then I can enjoy the comfort of my nice, warm space heater. I’m so glad these directions were here to guide me along such a rugged path.

Aahhhhhh. Peace at last.

Wait… it looks like there are some warnings on this space heater…